I have to be honest, I am less than enamored with social networks. In fact, I have come to view them as little more than a necessary evil. I find myself needing to interact with my social networks because they are quickly becoming a somewhat necessary form of communication for my job, but boy do they ever cause a lot of trouble. It can be argued that it’s not the social network per se that is the problem but it’s users. However, the nature of the form of communication these networks employ is highly problematic for a number of reasons. Here are my top 5 based on my personal experience and a bit of random polling.

1. We cannot “sense” the other person. We don’t hear tone of voice, see facial expressions, or allow the other person to change our perception of what they are saying. Email is somewhat similar. I have had many important conversations via email early on, but quickly learned that email is the absolute worst way (perhaps with the exception of online social networks) to have a serious discussion. If one can’t hear the tone of voice or see the facial expressions of another person, they have little choice to but to assign meaning and intent to what they are reading. Unless someone possess the ability to read minds, they will have a very difficult time getting it right most of the time because every one of us has our own filters through which everything that comes in passes through. Our filters flavor everything we hear and read and the problem is amplified when you are unable to sense the heart of the person speaking to you.

2. We are judged merely on “snippets”. The things we say over social networks are merely tiny glimpses into our lives. They are unable, unless one were to post their every move and thought, to paint an accurate picture of our lives. For example, on my Facebook last summer I regularly posted pictures of me and my children fishing on our little boat. I wasn’t posting much else at the time, so it was perceived that I spent a great deal of time on my boat fishing instead of perhaps working. However, these pictures represented only a half dozen days out of the entire summer where I had the occasional opportunity to do this activity, they were not an accurate representation of how I spent the majority of my time. It’s an honest mistake and an easy one to make when you are presented with such a small amount of information about someone. Perhaps an even more serious example is when you have that occasional moment of weakness or frustration which you allow to come across in your posts or tweets. We all have them (except for you perfect folks LOL). Have you ever had that moment where you wish you could change the way you phrased something? In a live conversation with someone you have the chance to backpedal, change, clarify, or even apologize, thus painting a more accurate picture of who you are. Over social networks, however, this is impossible because the reader has little to do but judge you based on what they read. Of course, you desperately wish the reader would give you the benefit of the doubt, but in the real world it often doesn’t work that way. It’s human nature to judge one another and social networks play right into our tendency to make snap judgments. The most disturbing part of this is that we make these judgments on almost no real information about the person. We have little more than a few words of text that pass through our filters.

3. Candor is nearly impossible to be perceived correctly. Chalk it up to experience, but I had to learn the hard way. We all have those moments when we say something a certain way and within seconds backpedal, explain the attitude behind it, or change it altogether. Text based communication is “one way at a time”, it’s not true two-way communication. So be careful not to be “too real” in your posts because you won’t have the opportunity to immediately respond. The biggest problem with this I can see is that in a live face-to-face conversation most people would not dare say things they are willing to say via a social network. When people aren’t forced to listen to an immediate response or be argued with, it’s much easier for them to say things they might otherwise sensor for fear of getting a punch in the nose. That’s why I often refer to such statements as “cowardly communication”. Candor is always better in a face-to-face chat. In a “real” conversation, a person can’t run away or hide from it when it doesn’t go the way they want. Face-to-face conversations are more often resolved and understood by both parties. Which sounds healthier to you? And what about hurt feelings? There are no feelings over your social network, there are only words. When I am speaking to someone and I say something that causes a facial reaction that tells me they are offended or hurt, I can quickly change directions and lessen my candor. Over Facebook though, this can’t happen and candor has much more capacity to cause hurt and offense.

4. We can react without needing to give the other person the instantaneous benefit of the doubt or allowing them to clarify. In other words, based on our perception, we get to “flame” them if we want to without immediate feedback. Say bye-bye to your relationships. If you have not yet experienced relational strain or loss as a result of text based communication, count yourself very lucky. Many people I have spoken with regarding this topic have confessed they have had several relationships experience turmoil with some even ending as a result of these issues. Much more often than with live conversation, the communication quickly turns negative as a result of constant misperception, filtering, and judging. Recently I observed a “conversation” between several people regarding a hot button topic in the news. After only a few responses, it became apparent that this “conversation” wasn’t really a conversation at all but rather a series of insults, criticisms, and one-way arguments. These arguments were clearly targeted at one another by people attempting to come out on top. There was no real conversation, no benefit of the doubt, and no ability to really be heard amongst all the fiery darts that were being hurled carelessly. In a true conversation, a person could be sensed and perhaps even interrupt and ask to be perceived correctly before the discussion gets out of hand. In one-way discussion, assumptions rule and time is the enemy.

5. One-way communication is selfish. In posts and emails, I get to say what I want to say and what the other person thinks, believes, or hopes I will understand is largely irrelevant. I don’t have to give them the chance to respond if I don’t want to, thus cutting them completely out of the “conversation”. Have you ever had a discussion over text messages or Facebook posts where the other person disappeared from the conversation altogether when things got tense? Most people I talk with have shared similar experiences especially over their online social networks, though it’s quite common with cell phone texting also. It’s selfish to text someone or post something harsh to someone’s wall, then disappear leaving the person frustrated or even hurt. Again, bye-bye relationships.

Do social networks have any redeeming qualities? Sure they do. Most enjoy reconnecting with old high school friends or having a fun way to keep up with long distance relatives. I love being able to say nice things about my family for all to see. When I do that it makes my family feel special. Social networks can be an easy way to keep a large group of people informed about important upcoming events. We use our ScruffyChurch Facebook page and Twitter feed to keep people updated about church events, message recordings, prayer requests and other church related items. We find it very useful which is why I refer to it as a somewhat necessary evil, but we need to be more careful. Having made most of the mistakes above, I am convinced that my online social networks are no place for attempts at serious conversation. The same goes for text messages and even emails. It never goes well and I find that in these posts most people are hardly ever perceived correctly…or fairly. Most often, we end up misjudged and mischaracterized.